I have attempted to post a blog for some time now, eventually putting it off for some reason or another. Mainly i've been staring at the keys wondering what it is that I should communicate with the world. After much internal debate and overcoming of fear, I realized that the writers and artists that touch my soul and inspire me are the ones that are open, honest and themselves. So i'm going to start in the beginning of 2016, here I go...
I
Depression: The First Part.
"Returning home is the most difficult part of long-distance hiking. You have grown outside the puzzle and your pieces no longer fits." A quote by Cindy Ross.
I returned home from a long distance hike in October of 2015. I went from living in the woods, being immersed in nature, moving my body everyday, and having one of the best experiences of my life to being back at home with no job and no real direction. I went through an intense and very long decompression period and was catapulted into a state of depression which lasted for about a year. I got hit hard with post trail depression, which is something that many long distance hikers experience. ("Just Two Hikers" put post trail depression into perfect words) I feel as though my depression was also fed by the fact that I received an unwanted medical diagnosis and entered an unhealthy relationship.
The city of Atlanta in the spring of 2016 had a few weeks of what felt like endless rain and fog. I remember looking out of the window and feeling like the weather outside was reflecting the internal storm I had raging on inside of me. I was crying daily, multiple times a day, sometimes for reasons I could put my finger on, other times for no apparent reason at all. I was filled to the brim with anxiety and was having frequent daily panic attacks. I stopped vocalizing my thoughts as much, my appetite dwindled, I felt like each day was a fight in order to hold my composure or do what I needed to do. Feeling as though everything I had to say and everything about my being was wrong. I went from being the girl who just conquered a long distance hike with a smile on my face, to feeling like a sad worthless puddle.
I decided at one point that something needed to change and I started trying new things. I decided to go and do a Vipassana course which is a ten day silent meditation held in Jesup, GA. It was difficult, the internal analyzation, sitting, meditating, silence, demanding nature of it was in no way easy. Vipassana is a great practice, it taught me how to better deal with my anxiety, how to be more present and aware of my reactions both positive and negative. It helped bring me back to the level of connectedness with my self and my own inner voice that I had found on the trail and taught me how to continuously achieve it in the future.
At this point I was aware that the relationship I was in wasn't healthy for me, becoming aware of it on every level, as if I could feel it in my bones. Instead of being loved, supported, or uplifted. I was being criticized and put down for everything including my very being. I was being put down, projected upon, controlled and I was already depressed and weak enough to accept it. They justified their actions to me once by telling me that they knew they had a demon inside of them, but that they felt like they were a conduit for the universe. That their actions were justifiable because after them I would become stronger and wouldn't take that kind of abuse again.. They were mistaken, their abuse was not justifiable nor does it make them a conduit for the universe but they were correct in that I will never allow nor swallow that kind of behaviour from someone else again. The relationship ended. And I continued forward on my journey to relocate my self love and attempt to climb out of the deep hole of depression I had found myself in.
I returned home from a long distance hike in October of 2015. I went from living in the woods, being immersed in nature, moving my body everyday, and having one of the best experiences of my life to being back at home with no job and no real direction. I went through an intense and very long decompression period and was catapulted into a state of depression which lasted for about a year. I got hit hard with post trail depression, which is something that many long distance hikers experience. ("Just Two Hikers" put post trail depression into perfect words) I feel as though my depression was also fed by the fact that I received an unwanted medical diagnosis and entered an unhealthy relationship.
At this point I was aware that the relationship I was in wasn't healthy for me, becoming aware of it on every level, as if I could feel it in my bones. Instead of being loved, supported, or uplifted. I was being criticized and put down for everything including my very being. I was being put down, projected upon, controlled and I was already depressed and weak enough to accept it. They justified their actions to me once by telling me that they knew they had a demon inside of them, but that they felt like they were a conduit for the universe. That their actions were justifiable because after them I would become stronger and wouldn't take that kind of abuse again.. They were mistaken, their abuse was not justifiable nor does it make them a conduit for the universe but they were correct in that I will never allow nor swallow that kind of behaviour from someone else again. The relationship ended. And I continued forward on my journey to relocate my self love and attempt to climb out of the deep hole of depression I had found myself in.
The taping I had to do for my back issues after my hike.
II
Depression: Second Part, Healing.
Healing, I was no longer crying on a daily basis, I was able to go significant periods of time without crying. My self care improved and with it I found self love and confidence that had been lacking before. But I was still depressed, and in some ways I felt more depressed. However I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was building friendships, trying new things, seeking out new forms of self expression and exercising again. I started making changes. I found a dance class called 5 rhythms, which is a very unstructured form of dance meditation, which helped me get my body moving again. It taught me that I was capable of dancing, and how to listen to how my body wants to move. I was gifted a very well weighted wooden dowel practice contact staff & I started to find my flow and would eventually come to spin on fire. Through movement and acceptance of myself I started to heal.
A self portrait taken on one of the days I was feeling really down. I tried on occasion to document my depression, I feel that this is a very accurate picture.
III
Now: Anicca.
Now: Anicca.
"NOW", I've had that word sunken into my left forearm arm for over two years. I remember the day I put it there, sitting cross legged in a hotel room somewhere in northern Virginia with a sewing needle and ink, my fingers stained black, Polish Ambassador playing in the background. I decided to forcefully and carefully tattoo the lesson I had just learned. A momento and future reminder. It was significant at the time, I felt like the lesson of staying in the present moment and the weight of the word had hit me with the force of a speeding box truck. I didn't know at the time that it would continue to be one of the best reminders I could have placed on my body, I have relearned the lesson in many different forms since I originally pressed it into my skin dot by dot.
The year of depression and burnt bridges has come to an end, it is now 2017, the country I live in has elected a joke as a president, I am now living "in the perimeter" of Atlanta, creating a beautiful loving home with three other humans, aka the Anxious Kitty Cat Coven. I have been exploring and discovering parts of myself that I previously left untouched. The immense amount of love that I have for others. Exploring alternative types of relationships outside of the monogamous societal constructs. Loving and accepting myself has helped me to love and except others for who and where they are in life. Getting more involved with the communities I am a part of. Dance and flow are still a part of my regular life. And I have learned the art of letting go or Anicca (impermanence).
The year of depression and burnt bridges has come to an end, it is now 2017, the country I live in has elected a joke as a president, I am now living "in the perimeter" of Atlanta, creating a beautiful loving home with three other humans, aka the Anxious Kitty Cat Coven. I have been exploring and discovering parts of myself that I previously left untouched. The immense amount of love that I have for others. Exploring alternative types of relationships outside of the monogamous societal constructs. Loving and accepting myself has helped me to love and except others for who and where they are in life. Getting more involved with the communities I am a part of. Dance and flow are still a part of my regular life. And I have learned the art of letting go or Anicca (impermanence).
These two,
Thank You.
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| Photograph taken by: Clara Moon. Make up & Pasties: Madeline Irene Rella |
I didn't post a lot of photographs from this year, I mainly caught up on 2016.
More 2017 blog posts to come.
Thanks for scrolling, listening & being.
-Ciao-
